Do you struggle with conflict in your close relationships? Maybe you don’t know how to bring up a difficult topic? Maybe you fear hurting someone’s feelings? Maybe difficult conversations lead to quickly escalating emotions? How do you usually respond to conflicts when they arise? At Brighter Minds Therapy, we often hear clients use words like “avoidance,” “shutting down,” “fear,” “paralyzed,” or “painful.”
This can be especially true with conflict in romantic relationships. You may know how much you appreciate the other person, but the way things are going might leave you feeling unsure about how to fix the relationship.
The best way to approach conflict resolution is to learn a SKILL to help you ask for what you need, to better listen, and to set boundaries with respect. I know it doesn’t sound easy, but I assure you that it’s possible!
What is DEAR MAN?
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers a tool called DEAR MAN to help you communicate your needs effectively. I encourage you to practice it in a non-crisis situation, perhaps during an interaction at work this week. Or write out a practice conversation using this acronym. This way, you can become more comfortable using it when a crisis or conflict arises.
A way to remember these skills is to remember the term DEAR MAN:
Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce
(Stay) Mindful
Appear Confident
Negotiate
How To Use It
Describe the current situation (if necessary). Stick to the facts. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. For example: “You told me you would be home by dinner, but you didn’t get here until 11.”
Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel. And be sure to use “I” statements (meaning you take responsibility for your own emotion and don’t accuse your partner of “making” you feel a certain way). “When you come home so late without communicating the change in plans with me, I start worrying about you.”
Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Do not assume that others will figure out what you want. Remember that others cannot read your mind.
“I would really like it if you would call me when you are going to be late.”
Reinforce how this will also benefit your partner by explaining the positive effects of getting what you want or need. If necessary, also clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you want or need. “I would feel so relieved, and we would argue less if you do that.”
(Stay) Mindful. Keep your focus on your goals. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted. Don’t get off the topic. Ignore attacks. Ignore distractions. Don’t bring up past grievances.
If your partner brings up a different conflict, you can say, “I care about resolving that conflict as well, but right now I’m asking that we focus on the concern I brought up.”
Appear confident. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. Don’t over apologize. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating. This does not mean “be aggressive,” just respectfully confident!
Negotiate: Be willing to compromise. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem if your partner does not agree to this request. Focus on what will work. “How about if you text me when you think you might be late?”
Now your turn!
The secret here is: practice, practice, and practice!
When we're hurt and feel strong emotions, it's hard to implement skills you aren’t used to using. This is why practice is essential! Remember one thing: relationships are a two way street, and they need both parts to work on the same goal. Learn how to do your part!
Here is a worksheet to help you practice!
If you would like support in navigating conflict, feel free to reach out for a FREE consultation, I'd be more than happy to speak with you! I'd love to work with you on your goals and keeping your conflicts healthy!
Schedule with Nagela to support your relationship goals!
